I was the first person I knew to get Facebook. Back then, you had to be a college student to get it., all my status started with “Rachel is…” and “poking” was still a thing. While I’m not claiming this puts me on the cutting edge of anything, it does mean that Facebook has a collected almost a decade of intel on me.
This is the information they use to sneak targeted ads and sponsored posts into my Facebook feed. I’ve been taking screenshots of the ads for the last couple weeks to come up with a portrait of the person Facebook thinks I am.
This is the information they use to sneak targeted ads and sponsored posts into my Facebook feed. I’ve been taking screenshots of the ads for the last couple weeks to come up with a portrait of the person Facebook thinks I am.
1. I am....grey haired, middle-aged, fabulous
I know I just turned 30, but I’ve got twenty years before I’m ready to embrace the fabulousness of being in my fifth decade. My hair isn’t grey, and not only do I not use drugstore hair colour, I don’t use hair color at all... I think that’s a zero for 3 on all your demographic points, Fab Over Fifty, but kudos for remembering the extra Canadian u’s in “colour”. |
2. I am...a mother of two
I don’t have kids yet, but this trifecta of mom-ness isn’t persuading me to any time soon. Thank god I don’t have a nine and/or ten year old, because if I did they’d be named Victoria or Kevin and I guess they’d be wetting the bed. Also, My Name Necklace, I defy you to find you a single person in my demographic willing to name their kid Kevin.
3. I am...in debt, and really really sad about it
4. I am...praying for a Jesus shirt
What about my Facebook uses suggests “needs more pink Jesus t-shirts”? I guess being female means I’m always on the lookout for another pink shirt. Except I don’t care for limited editions, original prints or praying to Jesus. Even if I was trying to get a hold of Jesus, I'm pretty sure the last thing I would do is print a cutesy note on a t-shirt, and hope that Jesus wakes up every morning, desperately scouring the shirts of the first world hoping to find guidance as to where his help is needed next. |
5. I am...stuck, unhappy, confused, and in need of flying instructions
I’m just a small town girl from Canada, living my dream, in a small town, in Canada... but “Jennifer Jayde” seems to think I can completely! transform! I took the bait, clicked for more, and after reading she believes “we all have wings with which we were meant to fly, and all we need is someone to teach us how” I could barely stop rolling my eyes long enough to close my browser window. I don't know what the "free training for women who want to escape the 9-5" is, but I imagine that with a name like "Jennifer Jayde" it might involve a late night shift in the seedy area of town. |
6. I am...desperately single...and seeking a South Asian, Catholic, Black boyfriend
I'm not single, but I don't have a declared Facebook relationship status, and clearly Facebook is determined to find me a match. Every couple of days they advertise a new, super-specific dating genre that they're hoping I'll try. South-Asian? Catholic? Black?! Once it was even "Meet Single Dads in Your Area!".